Fond reminiscing

During my two relationships so far I've developed a superstition that whenever I fondly reminisce about the S.O. or ex, she feels sick of me. Or whenever I thought she hated my guts she seems to miss me or something. And when I thought she probably doesn't miss me or I just felt annoyed with her... then she seemed (confusingly) to miss me or want to see me.

So now I have this illogical belief that my ex is kind of tired of me (because I presently miss her). I insist that I'm not crazy because I know this belief is irrational and in a sense I know there's no mysterious connection between me and her... but my mind clings to it as if though there is. It's this strange paradox of knowing the truth but being obsessed with an illusion... an illusion that's discomforting and annoying. So yeah, it's kind of disconcerting. And I've constructed an entire story around this strange feeling. It all started with idle curiosity a few months ago (or maybe semi-stalkerism): 1. In this story, a friend that she recently made on facebook was actually someone she slept with. He regretted doing this. That's why he put something like "regret is doing abc..." on his profile. Regret being her. She nevertheless didn't regret it. 2. Her feelings hurt a little (because of his regret) she decided... eventually... to contact me. When I responded, she mysteriously felt sick of me again.

This kind of weird superstition is strengthened by my feelings mirroring these imagined (or maybe real) events... I wasn't thinking about her. Then I felt this pang (probably when she slept with the guy and temporarily forgot about me) which inspired me to look her up on facebook. I decided I didn't give a shit (mirrored by her finding out he regretted sleeping with her). Then all of a sudden I miss her again (she feels sick of me).

Funnily enough... all of this was inspired by a blatantly racist blogger on some "majority rights" website. He was writing about how the arguments that a book makes on interracial mating improving offspring health and intelligence are naive. But in turn, he seemed to be making the argument that white people should mate with other white people (not Jews or Asians). I thought for while then about my own opinion on the subject. My ex is ethnically Jewish. And I sometimes wonder whether she subconsciously felt better than me because of this. To a large degree, I believe this is also an illusion. But when she left me she seemed to be saying that I'm not good enough for her... in some way. And I didn't open up enough and show her my culture and family and "who I am as a person." But I remember having a conversation about this that disturbed me... me talking about how I am embarrassed by some aspects of my culture and how if I told her she wouldn't understand. She said that maybe she should dump me. I felt it was all very hypocritical. The thing about it is that there is almost never an overt expression of this racism (or whatever form of discrimination), but consider this friend I had... he was from Israel... and when he finally started speaking freely (or, in a train of consciousness manner) he spoke about how Jewish people were smarter than other people (I didn't bother to point out to him that it's exclusively the Ashkenazim that are smarter... and he isn't Ashkenazim). This just made me cringe inside while I sat there listening to him blabbing and making a fool out of himself.

It has bothered me for some time that there are differences in the average IQs of different races. Research clearly indicates that certain races on average perform better than other races. But I believe the only place where this type of research serves any purpose is when you address educational inequalities in schools. Race isn't the first thing you should look at when judging how intelligent the offspring you would produce with another person would be. When you judge what effect "regression to the mean" would have on your offspring with that person... consider the mean of that person's relatively recent genetic history (~2 or 3 generations back), not his race. The following bit might all sound very racist. But keep in mind that I'm making these arguments to prove that you cannot judge a person based on his race. Consider that Southeast asians (Indians) have, on average, lower IQs, but the Brahmin castes have the highest IQs for any group of people measured (as a group they have an average IQ of around 120 which is higher even than the average of Ashkenazi Jews). The point is, if you were to regard a Brahmin as coming from a SE Asian population, you might think his population's average IQ is 85 when in fact his population's AVERAGE IQ is already at the 90th %ile in the US population and at the 75th %ile relative to Ashkenazi Jews (assume about 10 point average IQ difference, about 2/3rd a standard deviation). But I'm sure there are dumber Brahmins whose populations are dumber too. Another aspect about family history is the fact that in families you can actually witness regression to the mean. I mean... if you see that in person A's parents were both world renowned scientists, but their kids (excluding person A) are only college graduates who get by with bachelors degrees and don't do much else. You can start to guess that maybe there is regression to a fairly low mean in this family. Your suspicions might be confirmed by looking at person A's uncles and aunts and such.

The problem for me is that I am basically on top (as any Brahmin emigre to the US would also be). Maybe if my (illusory) ex were less dismissive of goyim intelligence in general she might notice such things. I know this because in the country where I have immigrated from IQ tests were seen as very good (and they are accurate for people who are familiar with western culture) and therefore basically everyone in my immediate family was given IQ tests. My parents had IQs of 125 and 135. And my suspicion is that these IQ tests place too much emphasis on time... and that mental power wise, my parents are even smarter (a suspicion is based on how easily they succeed academically). At college, my grandmother and grandfather on my dad's side were the best out of a million or so students. My dad had 5 brothers and sisters. One sister had an IQ of 150, another 145, another sister 125 and the one person to become a medical doctor, ironically, had an IQ of 115. IQs ranged within narrower limits for my mom's siblings, but as a rule were about 2 standard deviations above the mean or higher (my late uncle was apparently really smart, around 145, but he was also unmotivated and didn't finish engineering school even after 10 years in college). My grandmother on my mom's side was especially smart. People can tell this just by associating with her. I know that one of her brothers (my great uncle) had a measured IQ of 160 and that both her other brothers became computer programmers (stereotypically nerdy profession... but also consider that this was in the 195os or 1960s and it would have been so much harder to learn computer programming... think punch cards). So no matter who I mate with, my offspring will probably regress to a lower mean than the average of my family.

What is my point with this? My point is that it is a mistake to look at race... instead, you should look at family history. And another point is that it often turns out that people mysteriously act to maximize their genetic benefit from mating.... even though they are not consciously aware of such things. Being closed minded severely narrows your opportunities. A woman of any race would probably produce smarter children if she mated with a black man whose genetic history indicates a mean IQ of 125 in his family than she would produce if she mated with a white man whose genetic history indicates a mean IQ of 90 in his family (considering that both men themselves measure at 115, say). So, on a scientific basis, his arguments are misguided. Scientificaally I accept that there is such a thing as an average IQ and I do think such things matter. But I believe that the way humans mate control for these types of things. It's very interesting and odd that I find out that girls I am attracted to often happen to be Jewish... after the fact... and these are not the types of girls that are obviously Jewish (they don't have the stereotypically Jewish features). But I'm not exclusively attracted to Jewish girls. In fact, I will probably find a non-Jew to mate with just because I think Jewish families tend to place too much emphasis on whether your mate is Jewish or not, and trying to make up for your lack of Jewishness is just not worth it. This must be how it feels to be discriminated against. And the thing that bothers me is not the average race/IQ shit... it's the fact that people don't bother to consider more carefully each individual situation.

My point is that I will not rule out the possibility that things like recent genetic history factor into your offspring's intelligence... but I do feel that human mating interactions are highly complex and were evolved to control for these more subtle factors... in other words, if you do what feels right, you will probably end up doing the right thing.